me and mom

What to post, what to post, what to post.
To tell you the truth, after all that celebrating about losing weight - my mom came to visit.  And she threw a little wrench into the system.  Here I was in this healthy place (both physically, emotionally and mentally) and then she comes with her Tiger mom-ness. In case you didn't know, criticism is how many asian mothers show love - and I have always felt loved!
Back to me, here I was, all healthy and active and here she came with just a couple little comments "don't worry, your stomach will get firmer over time".  I told her how I felt - how when I was weighing 170 I kept thinking about how I didn't appreciate when I was 145.  How I thought I was so chubby way back then.  And how I should have walked around in a bikini every dang day.  And so now I'm weighing that 145 and less and how even though my belly is jiggling from 4 babies I'm not worrying about it.  How I promised myself I wouldn't.  But those thoughts crept in and there I was staring at the mirror looking at my belly and hearing my mom.  And now when I'm taking a bite of food, I'm struggling a bit - like I might have just one chip and then scarf them all down in no time flat.  Thankfully 2 and a half months in that healthy place created some nice happy healthy habits for myself.  And I kept up with the fitness pal and the working out.  But it just wasn't as easy, or carefree, or thoughtless as before.  In fact it was all up in my mind and it was hard and it sucked.
So I kept talking it through and thinking about my mom, and me.
And then I looked back in that mirror and realized I am stronger than this.  Look what I have done and who I am, this mom of four beautiful boys and owner of this business and the comfort I found for myself to get me to this healthy state.
And today, while running the first couple miles of 7 with my baby in the stroller, I started thinking about that strength of my soul and realized that this is what my mom has wanted for me all along.  This strength that she has embodied through her life of challenges and successes. The strength that she inspires within me and encourages even though I don't hear it as such. And that even though it took me to love myself enough to not give a dang what she thinks - that I honor her with that strength all the same.  And so I love you mom - for all the wishes you have for me and the strength you passed on to me. Oh and yeah - for all that amazing regular mom stuff you have done for all our years too.  I see you!